Hammer and Fickle

Love Will Find A Way

2008-11-13T11:47:00.001-08:00

While most companies have scaled down operations in response to the down economy, one industry remains unaffected: the business of love.

EHarmony.com announced in a press release yesterday that they have expanded their online dating service to the Middle East, stating "Our business has not experience a dip in earnings, as money can't buy me love. It's also important to note that my love don't cost at thing."

http://www.ouwet.com/wp-content/scan_cv.jpg

Happy Halloween

2008-10-31T06:00:00.000-07:00

Update: New Fad Diet Is Sweeping the Nation

2008-07-10T11:34:00.000-07:00

To follow up on our July 8 post about advancements in dieting, researchers in Djormom, Norway have found an even more effective method to burn calories while consuming them. It's called 'Getting Punched While Eating" - the video below depicts numerous successful attempts.

Nemesis required. 6-month project with possibilty to extend.

2008-07-09T00:01:00.000-07:00

For more information on the following position, visit Best of Craigslist:

I've been trying to think of ways to spice up my life. I'm 35 years old, happily married with two kids and I have a good job in insurance. But somethings missing. I feel like I'm old before my time. I need to inject some excitement into my daily routine through my arm before its too late. I need a challenge, something to get the adrenaline pumping again. An addiction would be nice, but, in short, I need a nemesis. I'm willing to pay $350 up front for you services as an arch enemy over the next six months. Nothing crazy. Steal my parking space, knock my coffee over, trip me when Im running to catch the BART and occasionaly whisper in my ear, "Ahha, we meet again". That kind of thing. Just keep me on my toes. Complacency will be the death of me. You need to have an evil streak and be blessed with innate guile and cunning. You should also be adept at inconsicuous pursuit. Evil laugh preferred. Send me a photo and a brief explanation why you would be a good nemesis.

British accent preferred.

New Fad Diet Is Sweeping The Nation

2008-07-08T10:17:00.000-07:00

A new weight-loss trend is allowing people to burn calories while consuming them -- it's called "Crying While Eating" and experts say it's a healthy way to shed a few pounds. "It's a particularly effective method, as fatties typically have a lot to cry about," says Dr. Van Nostren of the UCSF Medical Center.

Korean Baseball Fight

2008-07-07T09:10:00.000-07:00

Happy Independence Day

2008-07-04T00:01:00.000-07:00

Tyson Gay, World-class Sprinter, Caught in the Middle of a War of Words

2008-07-03T09:32:00.000-07:00

A popular Christian website published an article on American sprinter Tyson Gay after he covered the distance of 100 meters this past weekend faster than an human in the history of the world. Little did the website owners realize that their strict policy of always replacing the word 'gay' with the word 'homosexual' would come back to bite them.

The site reads:

Tyson Homosexual was a blur in blue, sprinting 100 meters faster than anyone ever has.

His time of 9.68 seconds at the U.S. Olympic trials Sunday doesn't count as a world record, because it was run with the help of a too-strong tailwind. Here's what does matter: Homosexual qualified for his first Summer Games team and served notice he's certainly someone to watch in Beijing.

"It means a lot to me," the 25-year-old Homosexual said. "I'm glad my body could do it, because now I know I have it in me."

http://blog.washingtonpost.com/sleuth/2008/07/christian_sites_ban_on_g_word.html?hpid=news-col-blog

Don't Rely On Online Translation Services Too Much

2008-07-02T10:34:00.000-07:00

Apparently the Chinese characters say 'Cafe'.

The Ultimate Battle: Web Guy vs. Sales Guy

2008-06-30T17:36:00.000-07:00

New SUVs Going Green

2008-06-26T10:36:00.000-07:00

Thoughts Of A Lactose-Intolerant Vegetarian

2008-06-24T11:11:00.000-07:00

Whoever Wears This Is A Total Ass-Wipe

2008-06-20T16:43:00.000-07:00

"This photo by Judah S. Harris of Charmin shows the winning entry in this year's Toilet Paper Wedding Dress contest. "

Fashionable Solutions For Adult Incontinence

2008-06-19T10:03:00.000-07:00

The Perfect Stocking-Stuffer for the Youngsters

2008-06-18T13:30:00.000-07:00

Elephants: Larger Than The Moon

2008-06-17T09:27:00.001-07:00

Don't Get Left Behind When All Your Friends Go To Technology Heaven

2008-06-16T11:41:00.000-07:00

Quick. Get Me A Drink.

2008-06-13T08:06:00.000-07:00

Is That A Lighthouse In Your Pocket, Or...

2008-06-12T13:14:00.000-07:00

New Strides In Cosmetic Dentistry

2008-06-11T08:30:00.000-07:00

Important Government Health Warning

2008-06-10T08:57:00.000-07:00

Rear Admiral Steven K. Galson, M.D., M.P.H., Acting Surgeon General of the United States Department of Health and Human Services issued a report today warning Americans to "...cease the swallowing of gum or any gum-like substances."

This warning is backed by findings stumbled upon by a private scientific institute in Wichita, KS, conducting a study on the potential relationship between dextrose and flatulence.

(See below for a photograph of participants in the double-blind case study).

Looks Like Someone's Got A Case Of 'The Mondays'

2008-06-09T12:26:00.001-07:00

Toddler Astounds Local Community

2008-06-06T11:20:00.000-07:00

Providence, RI -- 1 year-old Stewart Gilligan Griffin of Quahog shocked family members when he created life-like weapons out of Legos. His superior mechanical skills lead many to think him the next great architect or engineer. The toddler wasn't available for comment (because he can't speak yet) but his father, Peter Griffin said "Nah (sic) I think this one's an actor...keeps pretending to shoot his mother, it's the cutest thing."

What Is 'Fornication Under Consent of the King'?

2008-06-05T10:37:00.000-07:00

As a follow-up to our May 21 post, it's worth reporting that additional evidence has been delivered to the FCC for review in the "Jeopardy Profanity" suit. (Watch Stephen closely).

Epic Failure

2008-06-04T10:24:00.001-07:00

Hwhat Is He Talking About?

2008-06-03T10:19:00.000-07:00

Family Guy - Cool Whip - Family Guy

Can You Use It In A Sentence?

2008-06-02T10:27:00.000-07:00

How would they build the female version?

2008-05-30T14:48:00.000-07:00

http://uroclub.com/details.html

Birth Of A Super-Villain

2008-05-29T09:46:00.000-07:00

The Guy With the White Gloves Farted.

2008-05-28T13:40:00.000-07:00

I Would Have Said Comb-Over...

2008-05-23T09:23:00.000-07:00

Too Bad S/He Didn't Go With 'Princess'

2008-05-22T13:33:00.000-07:00

The artist presently known as Prince's true identity was exposed Sunday when her former manager released this topless photo:

When asked what motivated him distributed the photo, Maury Ballstein replied, "Revenge. I got sick of her outbursts, throwing apparel at me and crying, later blaming it all on PMS. The final straw was when she threatened to cancel our most lucrative show at Madison Square Garden, because it was the same night as the 'Sex and the City' film release. This was my collateral, and I used it."

Pimps and Rakes

2008-05-21T10:35:00.000-07:00

A recent slew of profanity-laced episodes of the popular television show Jeopardy has caused a stir amid the program's core demographic of geriatric, Caucasian broads. The Federal Communications Commission (FCC) elicited a response Wednesday urging the program's creators to "tone it down." Alex Trebek, host of the 44-year-old program, responded: "Sorry, that wasn't in the form of a question."

SNOT Gets Serious

2008-05-19T11:00:00.000-07:00

Latest U.S. census results have shed light on a 40% increase in Playfully Transmitted Diseases in people age 5 - 11 years old.

In response the Society for No Other Transmissions (SNOT) is urging pharmaceutical companies to distribute the Circle-Dot immunization treatment at no cost to community organizations and medical clinics. To further increase awareness, SNOT released this public service announcement:

Someone Call the Men in Black

2008-05-16T14:40:00.000-07:00

Washington, DC -- A disturbing increase in alien abductions recently has resulted in swift response from the US government. Current research and first-hand accounts provided the impetus for government officials to to take action this week against threats from outer-worldly nemeses.

Leading the charge is the Brookings Institute, an independent research and policy institution, which reported that alien abductions in 2008 are at an all-time high, up 28% compared to last year, according to their recent study.* Based on their findings, ever-aggressive government officials have decided they will no longer sit idly while Americans are subjected to alien mind control.

To combat this threat, the Bush administration has compiled a website called StopAbductions.gov. The foundation of the organization's policy is to heavily promote the use of Thought Screen Helmets (pictured below), which work to "block telepathic communication between aliens and humans," the site says.

Devon McCarthy, a preliminary tester of the Thought Screen Helmet, had positive things to say about the product. "I have been abducted by aliens for years, but after using my Thought Screen Helmet I have not been bothered by alien mind control. My thoughts are finally my own and my life is better than ever before. Thank you President Bush for the work you are doing to save all humanity."

With warm public reception to the device, the government is looking to distribute them on a wider scale. Distribution centers are now popping up around the country, and entrepreneurs are looking to capitalize on the increasing demand for leather.

*No such study exists.

Nein!

2008-05-16T05:00:00.000-07:00

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where! more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a rel sensibl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem ov a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German lik zey vunted in ze forst plas.

BBC Opinion: Is 'U.K.-Centric' the Flavour of the Month?

2008-05-15T10:10:00.000-07:00

Austinpowershire, England -- Americans are constantly criticized for living U.S.-centric lifestyles -- making choices and expressing opinions based on the underlying notion that the rest of the world operates like the United States. Lately, this mindset has propagated across the Atlantic, as the English are becoming increasingly U.K.-centric. Evidence of this trend was aired on BBC World News last night:

Deion Sanders: "Mazal Tov"

2008-05-14T09:11:00.000-07:00

Yonkers, NY -- The former Braves hitter and Superbowl champion tackles his latest challenge -- converting to Judaism. "It's the most complex undertaking I've been a part of. The Jewish community has changed my life, and I wanted to give something in return," Sanders replied, when asked about his line of moisture-wicking Yarmulkes. He continued, "...one for each sport I dominated, much like Moses dominated the Red Sea."

4x optical zoom! Photo printer! SD card!

2008-05-13T08:47:00.000-07:00

Hopefully he becomes a preschool teacher after he gets fired from this gig.

Major Candy Retailers Being Undercut by Clandestine Distributors

2008-05-12T09:39:00.001-07:00

Tuscaloosa, AL -- The Partnership of Candy and Popsicle Retailers (PCPR) released a statement today urging consumers to avoid the clandestine sweets distributors that are popping up around the country. The head of the PCPR, Wal-Mart, Inc., has been the driving force behind the group's insistence on staying true to "the corporate model of supply and demand," their spokeswoman said today in between a mud bath and pedicure at her personal home spa.

Other groups find that the clandestine distributors -- known locally as Petter Asses -- are providing a more enjoyable and less costly source of candy treats. Jeremiah Walsh, 11, said of the distributors, "They always have the best popsicles in our neighborhood, the ones that look like rocketships! There's nothing quiet like a backrub and a popsicle before boring math class."

NAMBLA, the primary backer of the Petter Asses, has harshly criticized the PCPR for trying to stifle local entrepreneurship. "Those corporate douches make me so flaccid. Why do they have to be such a buzz kill all the time?" asked Douglas Winnow, Chief Marketing Officer of NAMBLA East Coast Operations. "No one looks out for the little guy like WE look out for the little guys."

No Petter Asses were available for comment.

Happy Mother's Day

2008-05-11T00:01:00.000-07:00

Willie Nelson Offers Unsolicited Bid on Mrs. Fields Franchise

2008-05-08T15:08:00.000-07:00

Sends free samples of new recipes to local businesses and community organizations to garner support for proposed acquisition.

Day 45 of Gillette Company Factory Strike, No End In Sight

2008-05-08T15:02:00.001-07:00

Parent company Proctor & Gamble refusing to negotiate; union workers remain on picket lines, to the demise of consumers.

Don't Forget To Wear Knee Pads

2008-05-05T21:54:00.001-07:00

Shimmy-By Shooting

2008-05-01T17:35:00.000-07:00

Recent reports have shown a string of gang affiliations in suburban New Jersey elementary schools. Most notable has been the flashing of the 'hand on hip' gang sign, and numerous head-butt attacks utilizing bangs hair-sprayed to stone-like consistency. Anonymous interviews have brought to light the motivation behind many of these attacks - "The tooth-fairy don't need to know they not mine."

Anyone Have $79.99 and a Groom?

2008-05-01T16:44:00.001-07:00

It's noted that this item comes in 'Limited Sizes'. Available in S, M, L, and XL. Us XM girls just can't catch a break.

http://www.sheplers.com/womens/wedding_dresses/367756.html