Major Candy Retailers Being Undercut by Clandestine Distributors

Tuscaloosa, AL -- The Partnership of Candy and Popsicle Retailers (PCPR) released a statement today urging consumers to avoid the clandestine sweets distributors that are popping up around the country. The head of the PCPR, Wal-Mart, Inc., has been the driving force behind the group's insistence on staying true to "the corporate model of supply and demand," their spokeswoman said today in between a mud bath and pedicure at her personal home spa.

Other groups find that the clandestine distributors -- known locally as Petter Asses -- are providing a more enjoyable and less costly source of candy treats. Jeremiah Walsh, 11, said of the distributors, "They always have the best popsicles in our neighborhood, the ones that look like rocketships! There's nothing quiet like a backrub and a popsicle before boring math class."

NAMBLA, the primary backer of the Petter Asses, has harshly criticized the PCPR for trying to stifle local entrepreneurship. "Those corporate douches make me so flaccid. Why do they have to be such a buzz kill all the time?" asked Douglas Winnow, Chief Marketing Officer of NAMBLA East Coast Operations. "No one looks out for the little guy like WE look out for the little guys."

No Petter Asses were available for comment.