Someone Call the Men in Black

Washington, DC -- A disturbing increase in alien abductions recently has resulted in swift response from the US government. Current research and first-hand accounts provided the impetus for government officials to to take action this week against threats from outer-worldly nemeses.

Leading the charge is the Brookings Institute, an independent research and policy institution, which reported that alien abductions in 2008 are at an all-time high, up 28% compared to last year, according to their recent study.* Based on their findings, ever-aggressive government officials have decided they will no longer sit idly while Americans are subjected to alien mind control.

To combat this threat, the Bush administration has compiled a website called StopAbductions.gov. The foundation of the organization's policy is to heavily promote the use of Thought Screen Helmets (pictured below), which work to "block telepathic communication between aliens and humans," the site says.


Devon McCarthy, a preliminary tester of the Thought Screen Helmet, had positive things to say about the product. "I have been abducted by aliens for years, but after using my Thought Screen Helmet I have not been bothered by alien mind control. My thoughts are finally my own and my life is better than ever before. Thank you President Bush for the work you are doing to save all humanity."

With warm public reception to the device, the government is looking to distribute them on a wider scale. Distribution centers are now popping up around the country, and entrepreneurs are looking to capitalize on the increasing demand for leather.

*No such study exists.